the art of weakness

I speculate things a ton. I drag thoughts on endless races against myself in ruts for so long and hard you'd think I was an excellent runner in real life (I'm not, I'm awful at it actually). It's a quirk I'm currently learning to take control of, but that's a blurb for another day. All that to say, this has been on my mind quite a bit lately.

If you've been a Christian for any amount of time, you've probably seen the mantra-like quotation of  Philippians 4:13 plastered on coffee mugs, decorative plaques, canvas bags, t-shirts, dog sweaters, ect. which is wonderful if that's what gets you through your moments. For me personally (and I'd like to believe I'm not alone in this) it does nothing to boost my morale. At least it didn't until I looked a couple verses back where in he states "(11)Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. (12)I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need." and then he makes the famous remark in verse 13 "I can do all things through him who strengthens me". Now, hear me out, because I'm so "deep" and "artsy" and "spiritual", this line lights a spark in me and I get annoyed with how often it's so automatically spouted.

Paul was in the bleakest of circumstances, he was in prison for cripes' sake! I don't know how most people in this day and age would react to imprisonment for the cause, but I doubt it'd be cozy and "content in every circumstance". However, by the same token, I think it's unfair to compare scars and refuse to acknowledge that all pain, no matter how small it seems from your perspective, deserves and demands to be felt in its entirety. But so often we get hung up on and stay hung up on the stress of paying bills, coping with the world around us, dealing with difficult family situations, sickness, school, work, ect. It's all very cumbersome and traumatic if you think about all the things bodies and minds are forced to endure day in and day out. 

Our design was expertly constructed, the Creator definitely knew that we would have to withstand such complications. He also understands that we are overwhelmed. I'm certainly glad that God mandated from the beginning that Paul would write that letter to the Philippians, knowing we'd face the challenges and struggles that we do. Knowing that I would struggle with depression and anxiety, he made sure to make it known to me that despite all these things I would deal with, he is amidst the weakness. Not only the flimsy moments of weakness where I'm frustrated in traffic but moments of backbreaking, heart-wrenching, I'm-bawling-uncontrolably-in-the-car-I-don't-know-why-I'm-even-alive weakness. Those are the moments I'm referring to. The ones where your spirit is so grieved you feel it in your marrow. Those are the moments where I have to remind myself that admitting I'm weak in every moment is crucial, not just the ones where I feel my fleshy, ache-y humanity. The ones where I feel like I'm holding up okay are just as important. 

I'm so stubborn and prideful as a rule, I don't like accepting help and I don't like admitting I'm emotional or fragile or any kind of indicator that would hint at me being incapable. That's definitely a kink in my frame that's being smoothed (feels more like flattening most days) out. I feel like lately, those moments of grief are closer and closer together and I'm having to invite God into my situation moment by moment saying "I don't want to go to this meeting, I don't want to go grocery shopping, I don't want to cook, I don't want to do anything but lie in bed. You know I have things to do, be with me today, hold me up." 
Even asking such things of the Creator of the universe is difficult for me because I'm so prideful. I want to do it on my own, but pride itself is weakness. Pride is nothing if I'm trying to crow in my own glory. There's no glory to be had. All of it is found in Jesus and learning to trust, not even more, but differently.