what's my boat?

Sometimes I think because God places me somewhere or in something, I think it's going to be smooth sailing (HA! I made a funny! get it? boats..sailing..nevermind.) from there on out. And honestly, I have no idea where I got this notion because it is so often hideously and laughably wrong. I kid you not, when I have a big idea or think I'm right smack dab in the middle of God's bull's eye, I get excited and tend to think it's all going to come out picture perfect. Like when people attempt projects they see on Pinterest and the aftermath is only a near terrifying (often hilariously awful) prototype. I'm pretty artsy, not really craftsy, and believe me, there is a huge difference between the two. I certainly believe people can be one or the other or both. I'm absolutely not both. So I have this great vision of what I want to do in my head and it ends up looking something like this :

And before, that has most certainly been the turn out of things I've done with the best of intentions. I so happen to be in a place now where in I don't have even a peephole idea of what the heck I'm supposed to be doing in any respect, be it service in church, social interactions, what have you. My church just ended a series about Noah, all about building a better life and what that means and at my small group, we talked about what our "boat" is that we're "building" in our own spiritual walks. And I honestly couldn't answer at first for not knowing exactly what that is! I brought this up to the group and one person said something along the lines of "walking out in faith often times is the start." and I thought that was ingenious. Sometimes, perhaps, you're in a season where you're just holding you hands out, palms up, saying "put me where you want me" and I didn't realise how dangerous of a proposition that was until my answer was "move to the coast". Knowing how I get set in my ways, knowing I was leaving comfort and familiarity. I heard people talk about how difficult and awkward it is and sort of laughed them off, honestly! Thinking I'd be "different". Nope.
I'm in the midst of a strange transition and honestly, sometimes I'm still pretty anxious about meeting people and where I fit and how I fit in it. But I'm learning half the battle is to be open to possibilities. I'll soon be working a job doing something I've never done or thought of doing and I know its where God wants me. That's what makes me excited. That there's room to grow and there's potential for impact. That I get the chance to change and maybe that's my "boat", being actively willing. Regardless of how much it seems like I'm screwing up or not exactly "skilled" in the place that He has me. Or if I'm just generally clueless. I'm starting to think being clueless isn't the worst position to be in.

a moment among moments 001

I've been thinking an awful lot about an awful lot of things. One being thankfulness, how I struggle with being grateful for what I have and not so much in the way of material- money, status, possessions, ect., more so in the sense that I feel I am made of so little. I am made of this body, this skin that seems too pasty to see the light of day, these eyes that feel impossibly fierce, this tongue that doesn't watch itself enough, this frame that takes up so much space. Insecurity ravages me and leaves me bare and scrambling for somewhere to hide because something in me truly believes that if I show what I really am, I won't be deemed acceptable. The reality, I suppose, is that I'm not. But I have been shown grace and mercy which make me acceptable. He smiled upon me and sometimes I forget how ungrateful I am for that alone. for being seen by the One who didn't have to see me. But He did. He put this personality in this body to be open arms and an endlessly open, bleeding heart for hurting people. I'm not entirely sure of where I fit in this large equation, this grand scape of life happening all around me. I want to be completely immersed in every beautiful thing God has created and has set man up to wield. All the sights, sounds, lights, intricate personalities trapped inside these bodies just like me.

I've had this song stuck inside my head for a few days now. It's called "Saturn" by Sleeping At Last off of their Atlas: Space 2 record and the two lines that have so feverishly beat up against the walls of my mind are:

" I couldn’t help but ask
For you to say it all again.
I tried to write it down
But I could never find a pen
I’d give anything to hear
You say it one more time,
That the universe was made
Just to be seen by my eyes"

and

"how rare and beautiful it is to even exist" 

I've felt the orchestra vibrations in my ribcage, singing over and over, hearing Him sing to my fragile heart and mind that the universe was made knowing I'd appreciate its beauty. That it was made to be seen by my eyes.

the art of weakness

I speculate things a ton. I drag thoughts on endless races against myself in ruts for so long and hard you'd think I was an excellent runner in real life (I'm not, I'm awful at it actually). It's a quirk I'm currently learning to take control of, but that's a blurb for another day. All that to say, this has been on my mind quite a bit lately.

If you've been a Christian for any amount of time, you've probably seen the mantra-like quotation of  Philippians 4:13 plastered on coffee mugs, decorative plaques, canvas bags, t-shirts, dog sweaters, ect. which is wonderful if that's what gets you through your moments. For me personally (and I'd like to believe I'm not alone in this) it does nothing to boost my morale. At least it didn't until I looked a couple verses back where in he states "(11)Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. (12)I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need." and then he makes the famous remark in verse 13 "I can do all things through him who strengthens me". Now, hear me out, because I'm so "deep" and "artsy" and "spiritual", this line lights a spark in me and I get annoyed with how often it's so automatically spouted.

Paul was in the bleakest of circumstances, he was in prison for cripes' sake! I don't know how most people in this day and age would react to imprisonment for the cause, but I doubt it'd be cozy and "content in every circumstance". However, by the same token, I think it's unfair to compare scars and refuse to acknowledge that all pain, no matter how small it seems from your perspective, deserves and demands to be felt in its entirety. But so often we get hung up on and stay hung up on the stress of paying bills, coping with the world around us, dealing with difficult family situations, sickness, school, work, ect. It's all very cumbersome and traumatic if you think about all the things bodies and minds are forced to endure day in and day out. 

Our design was expertly constructed, the Creator definitely knew that we would have to withstand such complications. He also understands that we are overwhelmed. I'm certainly glad that God mandated from the beginning that Paul would write that letter to the Philippians, knowing we'd face the challenges and struggles that we do. Knowing that I would struggle with depression and anxiety, he made sure to make it known to me that despite all these things I would deal with, he is amidst the weakness. Not only the flimsy moments of weakness where I'm frustrated in traffic but moments of backbreaking, heart-wrenching, I'm-bawling-uncontrolably-in-the-car-I-don't-know-why-I'm-even-alive weakness. Those are the moments I'm referring to. The ones where your spirit is so grieved you feel it in your marrow. Those are the moments where I have to remind myself that admitting I'm weak in every moment is crucial, not just the ones where I feel my fleshy, ache-y humanity. The ones where I feel like I'm holding up okay are just as important. 

I'm so stubborn and prideful as a rule, I don't like accepting help and I don't like admitting I'm emotional or fragile or any kind of indicator that would hint at me being incapable. That's definitely a kink in my frame that's being smoothed (feels more like flattening most days) out. I feel like lately, those moments of grief are closer and closer together and I'm having to invite God into my situation moment by moment saying "I don't want to go to this meeting, I don't want to go grocery shopping, I don't want to cook, I don't want to do anything but lie in bed. You know I have things to do, be with me today, hold me up." 
Even asking such things of the Creator of the universe is difficult for me because I'm so prideful. I want to do it on my own, but pride itself is weakness. Pride is nothing if I'm trying to crow in my own glory. There's no glory to be had. All of it is found in Jesus and learning to trust, not even more, but differently. 

An Introduction: I'm not in the swing of things but what I really mean is..

I'm rejoining this side of the blogging universe for the first time in a few years, I'm more often a raw, bleeding out poet type (yeah yeah yeah, the tortured artist or something). I want desperately to document what God is doing within and around me.
To start with, here are a few arbitrary snippets of myself:

-I am a complicated creature of habit and simple pleasures
-I forget about my coffee until it's lukewarm most mornings and drink it anyway
-Music is essential to my comings and goings and fixations fluctuate frequently
-I have about 5 tubes of Burt's Bees lip balm, all opened and being used
-I lose things pretty regularly
-I really love raw vegetables. like really really.
-I appreciate a kooky, deadpan sense of humour
-I secretly would like to sing on Broadway one day
-I'm the most easily distracted person on the face of the planet
-I love books, words are important to me
-I'm really shy and socially awkward and introverted, definitely makes for interesting times in trying to establish friendships

I just moved a little less than a month ago from a small town in central North Carolina to another small town closer to the coast of North Carolina and am trying to figure out my place. I suppose that's what everyone is desperately trying to do in any setting. I've had a long period of spiritual rebellion up until this point and I have finally given up some level of "doing what I want". I'm in the process of learning so much and realising what all is "wrong" with me (besides the, you know, being human thing). I love and hate this place, it brings me face to face with everything I hate about myself. All the ugly, all the unsightly kinks in my spine, the chips on my shoulder, all my bruises exposed. I love it because I know this is how I get better, this is where I become more like Jesus. I hate it because I hate how ugly I am, I hate how prone I am to forgetfulness, I forget my place so often it's painful. But I'm glad these things are coming to light and I look forward to sharing my thoughts with you, the reader. Stick with me! We've got lots of worthwhile and dirty work to do.

xo Eden-Joy