what's my boat?

Sometimes I think because God places me somewhere or in something, I think it's going to be smooth sailing (HA! I made a funny! get it? boats..sailing..nevermind.) from there on out. And honestly, I have no idea where I got this notion because it is so often hideously and laughably wrong. I kid you not, when I have a big idea or think I'm right smack dab in the middle of God's bull's eye, I get excited and tend to think it's all going to come out picture perfect. Like when people attempt projects they see on Pinterest and the aftermath is only a near terrifying (often hilariously awful) prototype. I'm pretty artsy, not really craftsy, and believe me, there is a huge difference between the two. I certainly believe people can be one or the other or both. I'm absolutely not both. So I have this great vision of what I want to do in my head and it ends up looking something like this :

And before, that has most certainly been the turn out of things I've done with the best of intentions. I so happen to be in a place now where in I don't have even a peephole idea of what the heck I'm supposed to be doing in any respect, be it service in church, social interactions, what have you. My church just ended a series about Noah, all about building a better life and what that means and at my small group, we talked about what our "boat" is that we're "building" in our own spiritual walks. And I honestly couldn't answer at first for not knowing exactly what that is! I brought this up to the group and one person said something along the lines of "walking out in faith often times is the start." and I thought that was ingenious. Sometimes, perhaps, you're in a season where you're just holding you hands out, palms up, saying "put me where you want me" and I didn't realise how dangerous of a proposition that was until my answer was "move to the coast". Knowing how I get set in my ways, knowing I was leaving comfort and familiarity. I heard people talk about how difficult and awkward it is and sort of laughed them off, honestly! Thinking I'd be "different". Nope.
I'm in the midst of a strange transition and honestly, sometimes I'm still pretty anxious about meeting people and where I fit and how I fit in it. But I'm learning half the battle is to be open to possibilities. I'll soon be working a job doing something I've never done or thought of doing and I know its where God wants me. That's what makes me excited. That there's room to grow and there's potential for impact. That I get the chance to change and maybe that's my "boat", being actively willing. Regardless of how much it seems like I'm screwing up or not exactly "skilled" in the place that He has me. Or if I'm just generally clueless. I'm starting to think being clueless isn't the worst position to be in.

the art of weakness

I speculate things a ton. I drag thoughts on endless races against myself in ruts for so long and hard you'd think I was an excellent runner in real life (I'm not, I'm awful at it actually). It's a quirk I'm currently learning to take control of, but that's a blurb for another day. All that to say, this has been on my mind quite a bit lately.

If you've been a Christian for any amount of time, you've probably seen the mantra-like quotation of  Philippians 4:13 plastered on coffee mugs, decorative plaques, canvas bags, t-shirts, dog sweaters, ect. which is wonderful if that's what gets you through your moments. For me personally (and I'd like to believe I'm not alone in this) it does nothing to boost my morale. At least it didn't until I looked a couple verses back where in he states "(11)Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. (12)I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need." and then he makes the famous remark in verse 13 "I can do all things through him who strengthens me". Now, hear me out, because I'm so "deep" and "artsy" and "spiritual", this line lights a spark in me and I get annoyed with how often it's so automatically spouted.

Paul was in the bleakest of circumstances, he was in prison for cripes' sake! I don't know how most people in this day and age would react to imprisonment for the cause, but I doubt it'd be cozy and "content in every circumstance". However, by the same token, I think it's unfair to compare scars and refuse to acknowledge that all pain, no matter how small it seems from your perspective, deserves and demands to be felt in its entirety. But so often we get hung up on and stay hung up on the stress of paying bills, coping with the world around us, dealing with difficult family situations, sickness, school, work, ect. It's all very cumbersome and traumatic if you think about all the things bodies and minds are forced to endure day in and day out. 

Our design was expertly constructed, the Creator definitely knew that we would have to withstand such complications. He also understands that we are overwhelmed. I'm certainly glad that God mandated from the beginning that Paul would write that letter to the Philippians, knowing we'd face the challenges and struggles that we do. Knowing that I would struggle with depression and anxiety, he made sure to make it known to me that despite all these things I would deal with, he is amidst the weakness. Not only the flimsy moments of weakness where I'm frustrated in traffic but moments of backbreaking, heart-wrenching, I'm-bawling-uncontrolably-in-the-car-I-don't-know-why-I'm-even-alive weakness. Those are the moments I'm referring to. The ones where your spirit is so grieved you feel it in your marrow. Those are the moments where I have to remind myself that admitting I'm weak in every moment is crucial, not just the ones where I feel my fleshy, ache-y humanity. The ones where I feel like I'm holding up okay are just as important. 

I'm so stubborn and prideful as a rule, I don't like accepting help and I don't like admitting I'm emotional or fragile or any kind of indicator that would hint at me being incapable. That's definitely a kink in my frame that's being smoothed (feels more like flattening most days) out. I feel like lately, those moments of grief are closer and closer together and I'm having to invite God into my situation moment by moment saying "I don't want to go to this meeting, I don't want to go grocery shopping, I don't want to cook, I don't want to do anything but lie in bed. You know I have things to do, be with me today, hold me up." 
Even asking such things of the Creator of the universe is difficult for me because I'm so prideful. I want to do it on my own, but pride itself is weakness. Pride is nothing if I'm trying to crow in my own glory. There's no glory to be had. All of it is found in Jesus and learning to trust, not even more, but differently.